To Work or not to Work

I've always been a bit of a freak in the female career oriented world of today, in that I've never actually had an actual job, and worked myself up any type of corporate ladder.  I have kind of always follwed my own rather twisted, intuitive path, and it was a go with your heart and get burnt rather that go with the chapters one should.

I did get to study a Master of Science in Creative writing, at the University of Edinburgh, which was the best learning experience (the classroom learning type) of my life.  And after returning home from that watershed time in that magical city, and a recent broken engagement with a magnificent Greek man, I took a few years to metabolise everything.  I drifted around in Johanneburg, living alone in my flat.  No job, no boyfriend, not many friends, sadness and the quiet downtime that was probably necessary.  And then after a meltdown resulting in total paranoia (I thought the police were out to get me and woudln't leave my house, seriously), I came to Namibia to visit my parents.  And one night I went to an underwater club to see a friend of ours, and I met Hennie.  This really cool guy going through a divorce, and for the first time in my rather vain life, he didn't like me.  I had to pull him in, relentless, for months before he realised what he had.  And after that, things happened very, very quickly.

 We moved in together, connected, went on trips all over the country.  And after a trip to Cape Town, wine tasting, taking in the beauty of the Cape, having time together, I got back and realised that I was pregnant.  It was a total, life changing and heart wrenching shock, and it was evidently difficult for us, having only known each other for nine months, only lived together for a few months, and of course, not being married.  Hennie's parents were supportive but scared, my mom couldn't believe a such a private loner like me was going to be a mom.  But I had a new little person inside me, and that pride and love and care has stayed with me everday for the past three and half years.

For me, having my two girls wasn't the logical next step after meeting my prince charming and walking down the isle in a puffed up white dress with friends and family.  It wasn't part of 'the plan', but it sure was part of 'a plan.'  I found having these children and being a mother the most humbling, crazy, very hard, and indentifying experience of my life. 

And that's why, while other mothers debate about whether to work or not to work, weighing up the odds of having that part of the day to themselves and earning an income, versus staying and bonding with their chidlren, I don't have that choice.  I could never leave these kids, because they gave me a plan, we exist in a wonderfully draining bubble, and I will have to wait a long time before we are ready to break this.