Time to Embrace the Place

As the new year approaches, it's time to frame our resolutions and decide what we will do and what we will try to refrain from doing.  Resolution, I don't really like that word.  Resolving to do something, answering, determining, making a decision, a verdict for three hundred and sixty-five days seems too much pressure for me.  I tend towards the impulsive rather than the disciplined in this respect.

But I kind of had it in my mind to use this year to embrace the place, the place being Swakopmund.  A place I lived for a year and a half before, and ran away from, from the sheer misery and depression I felt here.  And now I don't have a choice, we tried, we failed, we need the money, and my fiance signed a five year contract.  And I've had enough of moving with two small children, espeically now that Ashlee is a preschool kind of routine.  Doctor's orders to Hennie, no more moves for your family (seriously, after I had a chronic back and neck spasm).

So I 'resolved' to seize the place, see only the optimal factors, enjoy the fact that we are living in a small town by the ocean, with minimal traffic and low crime, as well as a few really great friends.  I took a deep breath every morning for the first two weeks of January, I mentally embraced my new home town, the desert town by the sea.  I took the kids for walks every evening and smelt the sulphuric wind and the bright sun, and said to myself, how lucky you are, to live Mile Four, where you can take your kids for walks around the block, next to the beach.

And by the third week of January, dear reader, I gave up.  It didn't work for me at all.  The roads were muddy, the town too small, Ashlee got stomach flu, all the things that bugged me the furst time round had the exact same effect as they did before.  With all my gained life lessons, my humbling experiences, I am still me.

And so I turned my back on the sorrow and frustration of my easily and quickly failed embrace.  And did what was probably my destined path from the start, I created a bubble in my own home.  I travel to Paris, Edinburgh, New York, Johannesburg everyday with my mind.  I visit my sister, the farm, there are portholes in my little house here in Mile Four.  I watch movies and am transported to Lola land with Ashlee, or to the world of Magnon De Source with Marcel Pagnol.  I take out my recipe books and pretend to be cooking in the south of France or the Greek Isles.  I have a glass of wine and laugh with my Friends, or live vicariously through Sidney Bristow saving the USA as a CIA double agent. 

Who said only kids need imagination?  I dissent.

And thanks to the joy in my house, a few good things in this town, and the global world of the internet, and of course my super family, I am happier here this time round.  Takes a bit of work, but it works!

 

Lunchbox Days, for Ashlee

Will they understand
your little way
every day?

the way you shake with excitement
and talk about 'Ashlee'
not 'me'
will they see?

will you keep you spirit
and that belly laugh
that going-on-an-adventure walk?

will you still hold your dream basket
and bake cakes?

will you bite your lip
woryying that you
have no one to sit with
at lunch
and your peanut butter sandwich?

and  my heart holds on
until you come back

For My Natty Star

I thought I knew
better
this time
left my mind
behind
and jumped to you

All I can say
is that it was harder second time
lots of knocks and
tired
older sister
pushing you away
even when
she couldn't see you

you are my star
braver than us all
with a smile
lighting a sky in the night

we named you
for Christmas star

I was scared
until I saw your blonde, beautiful head
before I heard you

enchanted
to meet you
every day
your old man walk
hands behind your back
being Natty Star

Eensame Maria

I was so young

that I tore pages from the book

and did my own drawings

but something in the colours

of the story

and the pages of the little girl’s life

all alone on the desert island

who had to draw creatures

in the sand

and they became her pets

the book was given by your friend, mama

Lorraine who knew life is hard

and a woman has to fight

to find her own voice

and that sometimes

that might mean that she will

probably have to

be alone sometimes

and so she wrote little me

an inscription

to a new Eensame Maria

may she have headstrong road

and I did.

miss Ashlee

Miss Ashlee

Well it starts

Where I wasn’t ever

 The one who was meant to have you

With my not the mother

And vision of the Greek Isles

And dreams of the seas of the golden liberty

And I didn’t think

And you came

And it made mad sense

From the moment give me grace thing

I wasn’t sure

Did you feel the same as me

Was this really the only place you

Wanted to be?

But when you stand with your two toys

And I see you with all the savage meant to be others

You make me want to weep

And claw flesh  and suck blood

And I have no gifts

And throw you for miles into the sea

But that’s mummy

And you gave me a stage

And eyes that the colorlessness

Showed and joined and do you feel the same?

Because this is how do I know

If you even want to be with me?

But what I do know

Is that your heartbeat

Was the most I ever could have asked for

You made it, you got it my little one

I did my best for you, me and my drum

And you my girl

Were even smart enough

To know when they

Scheduled you

Tuesdays for the money you see

But you knew

And you started

With this so called mother

With her guardians

But on that night

I was on my own

With you coming

And we met

And it was all like when I saw

The suicides

And the bladders operations

And the self killing

But this one morning

It wasn’t like that

And we did it all good lady

And you were are trooper
and I was totally fine but I shook little baby

And they stuck my spine

Next to the tattoo of the happy ending far away

And then almost you

Surgeon I know it’s OK

Tearing

And I don’t know

And you cry

And It’s OK

And they pull you out

And you could say a lot

But I was just like

You’re so weird

But it’s you

Makes sense

Crazy talk but I think

I seriously did love before

And this life thing of yours

Will do the happy ending weirdo pretty strange one

No real gifts for you

But I honour you

In all  that I have missed little baby

I lay before you

My chest

Of the drums and dolls and hopes and dreams

And I played my best for you

And I adore you giving me you

And you did good.

And that it’s it I promise my lady

forever

Central Part of the Heart

You and I were a funny match

From the start

Not sugar and spice

Not a match made in heaven

But it seemed good

Doing shots

At the Windhoek Underwater Club

And you had this vibe

That gave me those heartbeats

It’s true

And I had seen more

Than before

And then

I fought for you

And you didn’t want me

And it made me insecure

But then it became

Really, really good

And we drove across horizon

After horizon

Towards the great grey

Wide Kunene River

And you showed me what you do best

My African mannetjie

Under the stars you pitched our tent

And I was taken by surprise

That something like this

Could happen to me again

Cause I had kind of

Given up

And then it all went

Fast, enough

Probably not to last

Most of the time

You were kind of

My safe place to fall

But now

It gets worse and worse

Everyday

And I can see

We probably made a giant mistake

And the scary thing is

I share a little girl with you

Who didn’t ask for any of this

Who looks towards us for

Safety

With those huge blues eyes

I guess now the drama queen stuff

Is over in a flash

No time

And they don’t tell you enough

And it seems so obvious

And know it all mothers

With perfect mummy linen and cookies

say tut tut

Didn’t you think it’s obvious

Well, I didn’t

that once that little one sees you

It will replace the men

For the central part

Of the heart

And it can take alot

For the grownup part

To finally realize

That this queen of the world

No longer rules

They all said it‘s natural

For me it was a ton of those red bricks

And not even all at once.

But if I could go back

I would shake my head

And say no thanks

You,

My daughter

Beat any man

Any time

To the central part

Keeper of my heart.

Ballerina

cold cream and calamine lotion

so many nights we wished

for another room

with fairy curtains over the beds

to guard from mosquitoes

instead, we were given milky pink liquid

for the itchy bites

on small arms and behind the knees

and you called the cold cream

i think

because it felt so icy in the baking desert nights

and maybe because

it soothed the burnings in your brain.

Herbivores and Carnivores

Herbivores and carnivores

in the dead dry heat of the afternoon

we sit on the warm bedroom floor

young arms and legs itching with dust

with promises of showers and lemon juice

after sunset

but now we build a palace

from puzzle boxes

for the plastic herbivores

in our own world the giraffe is king

and the baboon is court jester

kangaroos cook while antelope patrol

the castle walls

in this world the hunter is the prisoner

cheetah and leopard banished

to the darkest corner of the cupboard

in the kingdom of beetles and birds

we say how much

and too much

and when.

Cold Cream and Calamine Lotion

cold cream and calamine lotion

so many nights we wished

for another room

with fairy curtains over the beds

to guard from mosquitoes

instead, we were given milky pink liquid

for the itchy bites

on small arms and behind the knees

and you called the cold cream

i think

because it felt so icy in the baking desert nights

and maybe because

it soothed the burnings in your brain.

Because

Because

My thin hand lights a candle for you

Because you became my friend

When I arrived new

Sitting among the rest

Because you fetched me from the library

At break

To join in carols in the hall

Because you remain my friend

Despite my dental plate and pigtails

Because you liked my skinny legs

And read me books

My candle burns

Because you walked barefoot with me

Through shops

And you wait

While I choose sweets

Because you give me sandwiches at break

And explain sums in the afternoon

And sometimes,

You stroke my hair

Because you are my friend

And don’t listen when they say

You are a boy and I am a girl

Because you understand

when I creep away from you

Behind the thick curtains

When you start to cry

My candle wavers and flickers

Because it says

Thank you