I guess if any parent is really honest with themselves they have some element of projection in their relationships with their children. It takes alot of mindfulness and awareness not to let your dreams or frustrations or failed opportunties find their way somehow to your child. In my case, it definitely shows that I have some guilt issues being the older sister myself, and overcompensate by being extremely overprotective of Natalie, and overreacting to what is probably normal sibling rivalry between Ashlee (oldest, damaging antagonist) and Natalie (youngest who never gets a chance to voice her character.) And sad as it sounds, there is affirmation as a parent when your child does something normal, like talk or crawl or accomplish potty training. A social milestone, brought on by culture, why should this matter to a mom or dad? Because we humans all need it, to an extent. It makes you feel as if you're doing alright in a sleep deprived daze of wanting to scream into a pillow with despair alot of the time.
Being a pushy parent is not going to be for me. I know that it doesn't work and it's not in my nature. I'm too busy trying to sort out my own life, and maybe even a bit too vain to push my children and to live through them. It takes alot for me even to establish any kind of routine and to encourage them to do anything. I would be perfectly happy if they watched movies and went to bed at midnight and ate and drank exactly what they wanted to. However, a parent does have a large degree of accountability, and I don't want to look back one day and know that I messed up my kids by not giving them a basic necessity kit for surviving life in the 21st century. Routines are important, brushing teeth, going to school, having swimming lessons, all these things will actually help them out later out and prevent unnecessary exclusion when they do feel the urge to 'belong'.
And that is kind of where it ends. I am far more of the school of 'happy mom is a happy child' than the other way round, and looking after myself and doing my thing a bit, that's how I want my children to see their mother treat herself. Enabling them to learn to be themselves, to love themselves, to put their shoulders back, head, do their thing and not listen too much to the critics, by creating a secure, honest and loving environment at home is prettty much my parenting job. And also, being polite (can't handle kids with bad manners). But teachers and achievements, I see the bigger picture, and it really doesn't mean much when yoou look back. I should know, I was top of the class for most of my life, and it wouldn't have mattered if I had been a bit more alternative and had some fun. It could even have formed me into a more interesting person. As for sports, musical, dancing etc achievements, I couldn't actuallty care less what my children do, the less I have to stand in the cold on weekends cheering, the better (and that's where my darling fiance comes in, he's far better).
Yesterday, Ashlee waas talking to her 'friend' in her room, whispering away to an imaginary 'Boots', the monkey sidekick from Dora the Explorer. And I felt like I was riding a rainbow, light with happiness. I was so proud of her and happy that she had entered that amazing world of make believer, where ANYTHING is possible. You name it, you want it, you can have it. It's how the best stories are written. The wardrobe that leads into Narnia. and you can be anything you want. and I realised that I almost did want to fall into the trap and live through my daugther's new world. I also want to play. It was the best time of my life, when time disappeared for days, and it would be amazing to go back there. Maybe she'll let me, we'll have to wait and see. And to quote the theme song of the beautiful Voyage of the Dawn Treader...
"There’s a place out there for us,
more than just a prayer or anything we ever dreamed of.
So if you feel like giving up cause you don’t fit in down here,
fear is crashing in, close your eyes and take my hand.
We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.
It’s written in the stars that shine above,
a world where you and I belong, where faith and love will keep us strong,
exactly who we are is just enough
yes there’s a place for us, there’s a place for us."
bye for now.
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