Farm

I had been strong

 in the throng of weddings

 the friendship circles

book clubs

great careers at attorney’s firms

 the too much sometimes

pulse of Johannesburg

 became too much

I got too nervous

to leave the flat

 lay shaking at night

too much of everything

hearing helicopters

thinking they were coming

To arrest me

 Illegal

 realms of paranoia

 too much

I didn’t know what it was

 mom came on a plane

 I shook until she opened the door

at the flat

we got into the rented car

took some clothes

 a few books

 even they, it seemed, had abandoned me

 bought Woolies food

 drove in the winter afternoon

to the farm

for me to get better

if that can be a phrase used

 describe someone

who had fallen into the abyss

when the centre line cracked open

I fell

 the dogs were there

on the farm

the smell of wood smoke

Saartjie made a fire every night

 I slowly starting to sleep at night

 walked to up near the mountain

behind the house

every afternoon

the five dogs, and me

 never understood faith

until I lost it

until I stood looking at the great Magalies mountain

which I had seen since I was born

 held the blood of ancestors

 Boer War battles

 I said to the mountain

I surrender

 put my trust in you

In the universe

 bring it on

 not frightened

anymore.

on my knees